Uncertainty.

I hate uncertainty. And I hate that I worry.

When I was just starting my pregnancy, I really wanted to get a fetal doppler so that I could listen to the baby's heart beat. But I told myself that if I could just hold out until 20 weeks I would be ok, because I would be able to feel her move.

I remember seeing friends of mine during their pregnancies and hearing them talk about being worried when they were obviously showing and approaching their due dates. I always thought that was so silly. I mean, once you get there, you KNOW things are going to be ok, right?

Nope. I use this website called babycenter.com. It's great for giving facts about what's going on development wise with my baby. But when you join, you get put on a "birth board" with other women due the same month as you. It's a place where you can ask questions/share stories/complain. Anyway, recently there have been a couple of posts on the "birth announcements" thread from women whose babies have been still born at around 35/36 weeks. Generally it's from cord complications. I should just not read these posts because they seriously scare me.

I hate how worried I am. I'm 35w3d pregnant. The chances of something going wrong are so small. But I just can't stop worrying. I know it's still too early for her to come, but part of me wishes she were out, just so I could watch her breathe. Does that sound dumb?

Ugh. Hopefully just a few more weeks...

DONE.

I'm posting this here because I really want to complain and my husband is at school. Plus this blog is all about pregnancy, so even though no one is going to want to read this, I'm posting it.

I am only 33w3d. Now, I know that means my due date is in less than 7 weeks, but it also means that I have a little over 6 weeks to go (ish...). The problem is that I am already miserable!

I'm emotional wreck since I've been on bed rest, mostly because I feel useless.
I have heartburn ALL the time.
My nausea has come back; usually in the middle of the night and in the morning.
Sleeping is almost impossible with the heartburn and constant having to pee.
My back hurts pretty much all the time, unless I'm lying in just the right position

I've been feeling this way for a little while now, so why did I decide to post about it today?

Last night:
I went to bed like normal; it was about 11 and I took some tums right as I laid down and had 4 more on my dresser for when I woke up with the horrible heart burn. 12:30 rolls around and I wake up with heart burn. Normal; I sit up, chew 2 tums and lie back down. 2 rolls around, same story, only I really had to pee, so I got up and peed and then took my 2 tums. 4 am rolls around, and if you've been counting, you know that I'm out of tums on my dresser. I woke up with heartburn and the slight urge to pee, but I really didn't feel like getting up. So, I rolled over and got the hugest wave of nausea and heartburn. I immediately sat up because of how intense the nausea was, I got up and half-ran to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before throwing up...whatever was in my stomach. To top it off, my bladder control isn't the greatest so I definitely peed while throwing up. Once I was done barfing, my mouth tasted awful so I rinsed/gargled with mouth wash, and then got in the shower, since I had peed all over myself. Don't forget, it's 4am. Finally, I got out and dried off. I stumbled my way back to our bed room and got on some clean clothes before getting back into bed and shivering/listening to my husband snore until I fell asleep (which I swear was at least an hour later...).

Anyway, that's my rant. I'm ready to be done. But I know I need to keep the baby in as long as I can...

Bed Rest..

So, Monday of this week I went into my OB's office for a regular prenatal visit and my blood pressure was high (139/96). My doctor was concerned and had the nurse check again. It was still high. He decided to send me to the hospital for a non-stress test (NST) and some blood work. I got all hooked up to monitors, one to monitor baby's heart rate, one to check for contractions, and one to check my blood pressure every 5 minutes. Baby was fine, her heart rate was perfect and she was super active during the whole test, but my blood pressure stayed high. My doctor had some blood drawn and they tested it. I was sent home and told I was to be on bed rest until Thursday (oh, and I got to collect my pee for 24 hours!), at which point I was to come back in for more blood work and to see whether the bed rest would be permanent.

This isn't me, but it's pretty much what I looked like:



I went back on Thursday and when the nurse took my blood pressure, she said it was 120/76! I was so excited. I thought for sure that meant I wouldn't have to be on bed rest. Then the doctor came in and looked at the results from my 24-hour urine collection--and said my protein levels were too high. The diagnosis: mild preeclampsia. So then he said, "Looks like you're on bed rest." I'm pretty sure my face turned red and my eyes got teary and I asked him if it was permanent. He said, "No, once you have the baby you'll be off of it." So not funny. So then he detailed my restrictions; luckily I can still get up, I can shower and come down stairs to get myself something to eat, I just can't do much else. Also, I have to go in once a week from now on to get an NST and have my fluid levels checked, which means I'll be seeing a lot more of baby. My doctor said that I will probably end up delivering around 36 or 37 weeks.

So life has taken a crazy turn. And even though I know it will be hard for me, the baby's health and mine are the most important thing at this point.

How do you feel about being touchy-feely?

A lot of people I know really don't like when other people touch their pregnant bellies. You know, the classic example of a stranger coming up and rubbing the pregnant woman's tummy. I've also heard a lot of people say that they don't like when people ask when they're due, or comment on the size of their baby bump. I guess I can sort of understand where they're coming from, but personally, I'm the opposite.

Maybe I'm just a touchy-feely person; I've always been really open with people physically and emotionally. But it seriously doesn't bother me when people try to touch my belly. In fact, I kind of like it. It's like someone else is sharing in my excitement for the moment. And I love when people open up conversation about my pregnancy by asking when I'm due, or when they comment on my belly. I think I just like being pregnant, and talking about it.

I guess the only time someone has commented on my pregnancy and it bothered me was about a week ago in one of my classes. There were about five minutes left before the class started and I was sitting in my seat eating a granola bar. The teacher walked in, looked at me, and said, "Eating in class? You pregnant women eat without repose." I was definitely a little offended. It wasn't like I was eating a whole cake in the middle of his lecture. Anyway, as long as people aren't blatantly rude to me, I really enjoy the attention pregnancy brings.



What's the worst thing someone has said to you when you were pregnant? Does it bother you when people try to touch your belly?

Can't hardly wait.

The first time I got to see my little one was when I was 8w4d pregnant. It was very exciting to see her little heart beating, and to see that there really was a baby there. But really, she didn't look like a baby then, and she didn't even have distinctive sex organs, so I didn't know she was a she. She looked like this:







Even though she kind of looked like a bug in that ultrasound, I looked at the little picture I had almost everyday. But then, when I was 19w2d pregnant, I got to go get another ultrasound. This time, she looked like a little (very skinny) person. It was so much fun to watch her moving around and to see her little hands, feet, arms, and legs. Here's a shot of her little body:




We got to find out that she was actually a she, which was exciting, and we got to see her little face. In this shot, you can see her face up on the left and her arms and legs curled into her:

Anyway, I'm now 28w2d pregnant, and I can hardly wait to see that little face in the outside world. Unless there's a complication, I won't have another ultrasound before I deliver, so these are the last pictures I get of her before we meet her. But whenever I look at these pictures (or watch the 15 minute dvd we got of the ultrasound) I get so excited. It begins a train of thought that includes questions like, "who's eyes will she have?" And for a little while all my worries and doubts go away while I imagine holding my little girl for the first time.

Resisting the urge.

I only have three months left. And while that may seem like a really long time, I'm sure it's also going to go really quickly. The point is, I feel like I should be more ready than I am. We have a car seat, a box of diapers, and a box of wipes (plus some really awesome hand-me-down clothes from a neighbor) but other than that, nothing. I know I have time, but the urge to buy things is killing me. I'm trying to be good about it and wait until after I have a baby shower so that I don't buy things I don't need, but with things like this taunting me:

or this...

(Which are both from here) it is a really difficult urge to resist.

Help me stay strong!

Kicks.

So I waited forever to feel this little girl move. I used to drink juice and lie down just to see if I could feel her squirming. But it didn't happen when I was trying to feel her. That's not to say that I remember the very first time she moved, because I was pretty sure I was feeling her for a while before I was positive. Anyway, now that time has gone on and her little punches and kicks have gotten stronger, there's been the occasional kick that's caused discomfort. Don't get me wrong, I love feeling her move and would rather have her giving me uncomfortable kicks than none at all, but those kicks to the bladder with their resulting sensation that leaves me with my legs crossed, hoping she'll pick a new place to move, are not fun during class. And today, while I was at work, she kicked my ribs. I had heard this was uncomfortable from other friends, but I was not expecting the sharp, tingling sensation that caused me to jolt upright in my seat. I'm sure it's only going to get more and more intense as the days and weeks pass, and even though her little kicks may cause occasional discomfort, it's probably the best uncomfortable feeling I've ever felt.



What's the most uncomfortable feeling you've had as a result of your little one's movements?

Diapers cost how much?!

So the other day, we got a coupon for $6 off of Huggies diapers at Costco. We decided to grab a box during our trip but when I saw that the box was $40 I swear my chin hit the floor. I've always known diapers were "expensive," but I guess until you actually have reason to look at the price, there's no reason to.

So we ended up buying a box of the Costco brand ones and deciding to research cloth diapering. There are so many awesome cloth diaper companies, and they all seem so easy, but I wonder if it's really worth having to do that much extra laundry. Plus, the fancier/easier they get, the more the cost goes up. AND, I have no idea how long to expect a cloth diaper to last. OR how many disposable diapers I would go through in a year. (You see, my husband and I are trying to be "smart" about it and do the math...how much do disposables cost/about how many would we use in a year vs. how much do cloth ones cost, how many would we need, how often do they get replaced, and how much extra laundry detergent will we be going through if we use cloth?) I think my biggest problem is that I've never had a baby before. I also don't know who I know that uses cloth diapers. I never thought this decision would be so difficult for me. I always just assumed that I would use disposables. But even if I did just decide to do that, there are so many different brands and so many people who swear by certain brands, that I feel lost there too.

Maybe I'm thinking about this too hard?



So, those of you who are already moms, I could use your advice! What do you do? What works for you?

Well, it finally happened.

I think I'm officially pregnant. My reasoning? Well, a few weeks ago as I was getting ready for bed I sneezed. Yes, I sneezed, and peed. It was only a little, but I definitely did.

Oh the joys of pregnancy :) and don't worry, I know it will only get worse.

So, other moms and moms-to-be, how's your bladder control these days?




p.s. I promise I won't mention pee in EVERY post.

That moment...

Anyone who's ever had a positive home pregnancy test can remember the moment. The second when you look at the stick that you've just peed on and actually see a positive result, whether it be a +, or two pink lines, or just the word pregnant.

I can't tell you how many sticks I've peed on in my life. But they always seemed to come back negative. So when I saw the positive test, I had to look again. I almost brought it to my neighbor's house to ask if she saw the second line too because I was sure I had tricked myself.

But when I was sure, I cried. Happy tears mixed with the words, "I'm pregnant," spoken only to myself since no one else was home. I looked at myself in the mirror in our bathroom and could already feel myself growing. My waist wasn't any bigger, but my heart was already making room for the little girl I'll meet this December.



What was your moment like?